


Hope

by fromstarlighttodust



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, I just needed to cope, Levi lives, coping with 115, it hurt me, kinda bittersweet, look - Freeform, my boy needs to be okay, sorta?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 19:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18212519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromstarlighttodust/pseuds/fromstarlighttodust
Summary: Levi has to decide if he can still believe in Eren after everything. He has to decide if the man who was once his hope can still be called that. If only Eren would show his face.





	Hope

Looking back, Levi could pinpoint the exact moment he found Eren. It wasn’t in a dirty prison cell. Of course, that was the first time he had laid eyes on the boy who had a fierce fire burning inside him, but that hadn’t been the time he had found him. No, Levi had found Eren later, on a cold night when the boy had turned to him after stoking an ember into a roaring flame in the fireplace in Levi’s quarters. He had smiled that bright smile, always so eager to please, so desperate for acceptance, while offering Levi a cup of tea.

Levi had just stared at him for a few minutes and slowly, that smile had slid off his face, turning to nervous fidgeting and a stuttered apology. As Eren had moved to leave, Levi had taken a firm hold on the boy’s arm, still otherwise frozen in place as his mind had screamed that he would go to the ends of the Earth if that mean keeping that smile firmly in place.

Levi had kissed him. Without preamble or permission, he had kissed him and tried to say everything his words would never be able to and Eren, beautiful, wonderful, perfectly imperfect Eren and understood somehow.

It had been a gorgeous dream. Eren in his care, but also in his heart. Eren had always understood Levi’s sentiment, his feelings even when Levi couldn’t say them. For so long, Levi had believed that for the first time in his life he had found someone that would  _ stay _ . The very thing that made Eren a monster to others made him safe. It made him someone that Levi thought could and would outlive him. Levi had lost enough already and Eren was a breath of fresh air.

When they found out that Eren had an expiration date because of his shifter abilities, Levi had nearly broken down. Part of him had expected Eren to always be there, a constant in life’s ever moving flow. He had grown accustomed to green eyes on him at every possible chance and the thought of losing that… It had caused something to break inside of Levi, even of he would never admit it.

What he had expected was stubbornness, rage and maybe tears. What Levi had gotten was a quiet Eren that had sat in Levi’s quarters and apologized. Had begged for forgiveness for the immortal sin of making Levi love him. A word that Levi hadn’t ever even said out loud, but as always, Eren  _ knew _ . He always knew. Levi had forgiven him. He had forgiven him because there was nothing to forgive. Eren would be ripped away from him, yes, but Levi found himself realizing that he wouldn’t change a thing.

The moment that Levi lost Eren, though, is much harder to pin down. It would have been naive of him to assume that it was the night that Eren had slipped from his bed in the dead of night and made off for Marley. It was before that. At some point, Levi had noticed. The fire in Eren was flickering towards extinguished. He hadn’t commented. He should have, but he had wished… Maybe if he didn’t say anything, nothing would change. Maybe Levi could still cling to Eren’s light. Maybe the hope that Eren burrowed into his heart wouldn’t die out.

At some point, Levi stopped being Eren’s catch all. The words that had once bubbled over the youth’s lips died out. Eren still kissed him the same, still moaned for him when they made love, still laughed at his terrible jokes… But he stopped confiding in Levi like he once had. And still, Levi didn’t say anything.

And now, Levi was drifting. He remembered the explosion. He remembered flying through the air and blinding pain. He remembered Hanji’s face, distraught, and her declaration of his death. Then he remembered cold water and Hanji’s frantic breathing. And now everything was pitch black, cycling through memories like a sadistic slide show.

What could he have done differently? Everything. He could have said the damn word. He could have told Eren exactly how much of Levi’s world he made up and then maybe… Maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would have never drifted too far for Levi to reach. 

Regret. Powerful, all encompassing regret like he hadn’t felt in years burned inside of Levi. He wondered if he was dead. Was this what it was like to be dead? No, he couldn’t be dead. He could feel… Hands. There were hands on him. Hanji? It  _ had _ to be Hanji, Hanji had been there, had saved them both. Hanji was the only one it could be, but the hands were  _ warm _ . Impossibly warm in the kind of way that only Eren’s could be. But there was no way that Eren was there, Eren was gone. Eren had left him behind. Eren had gone and left Levi behind, despite the fact that if he had asked, Levi would have followed him like a puppy.  _ A puppy is not something that anyone could have called Levi, but it was true. He would have gone anywhere if Eren had just asked him _ .

After time, Levi blinked his eyes open. He was in what looked like a dingy basement, light filtering through cracks in the floorboards above. There was also a small window across the room, letting in some light and the sight of swaying grass. The pain had returned to the forefront of his mind and he groaned with it.

As if it had been an alarm, there was the sound of running steps and after a few moments, Hanji appeared at the top of the basement stairs. She looked exhausted, but she flung herself down next to the bed with her trademark grin.

“Hiya, shorty! You’ve looked better,” she beamed at him.

“Felt better, too,” he wheezed out.

“I bet,” Hanji nodded understandingly. “I couldn’t get my hands on painkillers, unfortunately. Wasn’t sure that you were going to wake up, anyway.”

“How bad is it?” Levi gasped.

“Severe lacerations to your face and torso. Missing pointer and middle fingers on your right hand. Lack of responsivity in your left leg, but I don’t know the extent of it,” Hanji rattled off the list like it was any other report she had given and somehow Levi was grateful for the normalcy.

“Shit, you should have just let me die,” Levi muttered.

“Not an option,” Hanji rested her chin on her hands as she looked over him, her elbows on the bed.

“How long?” Levi asked.

“You were out for almost two weeks,” Hanji replied smoothly.

“Eren?” Levi inquired, foolishly.

“No sign,” Hanji’s eyes darkened.

Levi nodded. Or at least he tried to. Everything hurt too much to move all that much. “Zeke?”

Hanji’s eyes darkened further. “Just peachy. Busted out of another Titan like nothing had happened.”

Levi sighed softly. “How long until I’m up and back on the field.”

“Tough to say,” Hanji shrugged. “It’s you so not as long as I think it should be, but it really depends on that leg.”

Levi attempted another nod. “Where are we?”

“Abandoned house,” Hanji glanced up. “Hiding out. Don’t know if they’re even looking for us, but I don’t want to take any risks.”

“They’re looking,” Levi replied.

Hanji nodded. “I know. I’m going to change your bandages now.”

Levi just grunted softly in annoyance, but let Hanji do as she pleased, changing his bandages and checking over his wounds. As he lay there, he noted how the hands felt different than before, when his boy registered the heated touch even when his mind was elsewhere. It had to have been a product of his own mind--Hanji had said there was no sign of Eren. What was the point of hoping at this juncture? Eren had left Levi behind, why would he be coming for him now? For all he knew, Eren was overjoyed at the rumor that Levi was dead. Just another obstacle out of the way. And  _ oh _ , didn’t that thought hurt, but Levi refused to let himself dwell on it.

At some point, Hanji finished up and left him alone again, telling him that she would bring food later. Eventually, the boredom got to him and Levi drifted off into an unfit sleep.

 

``~`**`~``

 

At some point, night had fallen. Levi didn’t know when it happened, but when he regained consciousness again, there was no light behind his eyelids. What there was was the soft, barely detectable sound of a window scraping open and then the sound of footsteps. Levi’s first instinct was to open his eyes and defend himself, but a quick check over his body told him he couldn’t move anymore than before so the best course of action would be to continue to pretend to be asleep.

The footsteps stopped next to the bed and a painfully familiar sigh broke the silence, followed by an equally familiar voice, talking so quietly that Levi was lucky to hear it. “Still out, huh?”

Then those hands were on him, sliding over his body in soft, rhythmic circles, soothing the aches that radiated from every part of him. It was all Levi could do not to make a sound as the hands brought him relief for the first time since he had woken up. There was another soft sigh and the sound of a bag opening up, some clinks and a gentle pressure in the soft part of his left elbow that had Levi’s eye’s flying open.

Forcing his uncooperative limbs to move--a feat that would have been impossible if not for the attention he had just received--he gripped the wrist of the hand that held a needle, seconds from puncturing his arm and squeezed to the point of pain, gritting his teeth as the stubs that were left of his fingers sent shocks of nearly unbearable agony up his arm.

“What are you doing to me?” Levi hissed, focusing his eyes on the tendrils of soft chocolate hair that were escaping that stupid bun instead of the eyes he knew he would find. If he looked into those eyes now, Levi knew he would lose the will to fight off whatever was being done to him.

There was shocked silence for a moment before a second hand gently laid over his. “Shh, Hanji will wake up,” Eren whispered. “I shouldn’t be here and you’re hurting yourself more than you’re hurting me.”

Levi narrowed his eyes at the hair before he loosened his grip and let his right hand drift back to his side. “What are you trying to give me?” He asked again.

“Morphine,” Eren whispered back. “I know Hanji couldn’t get anything to help with the pain, but I have access to things and no one will question me.”

Finally, Levi let his eyes meet bright green ones and searched them for… Anything. They were still dulled, but somewhere behind the murkiness in those eyes, there was a little bit of  _ Eren _ that hadn’t been there before. Levi felt his heart jump slightly and he hesitantly nodded. Eren sent him a small smile before he lined the needle up with Levi’s arm and injected him slowly.

“Why?” Levi asked softly, as Eren cleaned up his supplies.

Eren paused. “Because I can.”

“Bullshit answer,” Levi shot back and did his best not to let the warmth in his chest swell with how  _ familiar  _ this felt.

“Because it’s not your time yet, Captain,” Eren studied the bag in front of his knees. “You’re meant to live a long life. If I had my way, it would be a happy one, too.”

“I’m Eldian,” Levi bit out. “Your dear brother wants to kill us all.”

“He told you that, did he?” Eren asked, a light undertone of bitterness sweeping along the words.

“He did,” Levi confirmed. “Right before he blew me the fuck up. And you’re working with him.”

“Looks like that, doesn’t it,” Eren replied. “I thought you, of all people, knew me better than that.”

Levi choked down a lump forming in his throat. “Did I ever know you at all?”

“I thought you did,” Eren whispered, but somehow it sounded more broken than before. “You always believed in me, even when no one else did. I had hoped--” Eren cut himself off as the floorboards above him creaked ominously. “I’ll come back when I can to give you another dose,” he whispered hurriedly, quietly snapping the bag shut.

Levi’s eyes shot to the top of the stairs where the steps had stopped momentarily and his mouth moved before his mind could catch up. “You’re not going to squeeze your big ass out of that little window before Hanji catches you. Get under the bed until I tell you otherwise. She’s going to find out one way or another. At least this way you’ll have me to buffer it.”

Eren hesitated for all of a second before he dove under the bed, just as the door at the top of the steps swung open and Hanji came down the steps.

“Shorty, you okay?” Hanji asked softly, holding up a candle to illuminate the basement.

“Fine, Hanji,” Levi sighed.

“The window--” Hanji’s eyes widened and her eyes swept around and her voice filled with rage as she hissed. “Where are they? Who is it? How many?”

“Calm down,” Levi said slowly. “You’re not going to like the answer, but I need you not to do anything stupid.”

Hanji nodded stiffly. “Alright.”

Levi called out. “Come out.”

Eren’s head popped out from under the bed. “Hey, Hanji…”

“You,” Hanji growled out and stormed forward, grabbing Eren by the hair and dragging him the rest of the way out before she roughly slammed him into the wall, reeling her fist back and hitting Eren repeatedly.

“Hanji! Stop or I swear, I will get up off this bed and stop you!” Levi yelled, causing the enraged commander to still. After a moment, he continued more softly. “ Maybe you should calm down. He’s not even fighting back.”

Slowly, Hanji turned her eyes back to Eren, who was sitting on the ground in front of her, not moving at all as blood dripped down from his nose and lips. He hadn’t even raised his hands to protect his face, and somehow he was suppressing his healing ability to keep the steam from burning Hanji’s hands when she hit him again after breaking skin. After a second, she released the hair that she still held. “What are you  _ doing here _ ?”

“Helping,” Eren said quietly.

“Why?” Hanji looked dumbfounded.

Eren’s eyes shot to Levi and he sighed. “I’ll leave. Here,” he held out the bag still in his hands. “There’s morphine in there. Should be enough to get the captain through a few more days at least. I’ll bring more when I can get away again.”

“ _ Why _ ?” Hanji repeated.

Eren’s eyes shot back to Levi and after a moment Levi spoke. “Because he can.”

Hanji’s mouth opened, but Eren turned away and walked up the stairs. After a moment, they heard the door open and shut and Hanji was turning on Levi. “ _ Levi _ . He’s a traitor!”

“Is he?” Levi muttered.

“Of course he is!” Hanji growled out.

“Maybe there’s more to it than we see,” Levi replied.

Hanji clenched her fists tightly. “He broke your heart.”

“We knew that was going to happen one way or another,” Levi whispered. “I chose to believe there is something else at work here, something he maybe can’t tell us. I chose to believe that Eren is still on our side.”

Hanji stared at him in shock before she looked down at the bag in her hands. “How do we know it’s morphine and not poison?”

“If he were going to kill me, it wouldn’t take much right now. Why bother using poison when he could just strangle me while I can’t fight him off?” Levi pointed out. “Plus, he already gave me some and it’s working.”

Hanji sighed. “I hope you’re right.”

Levi looked up at the ceiling.  _ Me too. _

 

 


End file.
